Living In My Car

The End

September 14, 2011 – 12:24 pm

Hi everyone,

I’m not sure if anyone is still checking my blog, but I decided that I wanted to bring it to a close with a final post.

Things have changed over the last few months that I’ve not been able to write about. Some I couldn’t write about because they were difficult and/or painful for me to process, but other big issues were kept off the blog because I needed to protect other people’s privacy.

The short version is that my new desire for connection and intimacy caused some problems when I returned home to my marriage with new expectations. We’d had a long relationship built upon mutual independence, so my changes (and desire for changes in our relationship) caused a lot of disruption. Ultimately, it was decided that he needed and wanted to continue on that path of autonomy and independence. This was extremely painful to me, as I wanted for him to ‘change’ with me, but I’m trying to remind myself that we each get to choose which path is right for us.

I also decided that I desperately do want to have children, and, at age 40, have little time to waste. I’ve decided to move toward that goal without a partner.

With regard to helping women transition out of sex work, I’ve enrolled in a graduate program in social work and was recently invited to be on a task force that is working to combat human trafficking. I feel like everything is falling into place and have a deep sense of ‘being on the right path’

So, that is where I am now. I hope it makes sense that I had to go quiet as I processed some of these changes. I am now divorced. I think we all get to learn to take the journey as it comes, and I am still getting lots of practice in learning how to do that.

I hope you all are doing well.

Take care,

Jennifer

By Jennifer | Posted in the end | Comments (68)

Back in my Mini

July 4, 2011 – 8:50 pm

All is going really well with me, but a lot has changed.

I moved back into my Mini last month. I decided to move to a smaller town and so am living in an RV park for now. (Not as fun as a National Park and it is hot!) The owner came by today to collect rent. I was having trouble with my AC, so was red-faced and barefoot, in an old denim skirt and a sleeveless ribbed undershirt. I had to stop and look at myself, and my life, and thought, “Wow! This is quite a bit different from a couple of years ago!”

It is a hell of a lot better, by the way!

I love Austin, but after my time on the road, Austin started to feel a bit too busy and expensive.

I’ve also decided that I am not going to work in the business I have with David anymore. We organized a buy out, so I will get a tiny stipend over the next five years as I make this transition into a different career — one that is more meaningful to me.

I am still in the early “what do I do?” stage of the sex worker stuff. For now, I’ve decided to volunteer at a domestic and sexual violence shelter to learn more about working with women in crisis as well as all the organizational logistics of running a nonprofit. I think transitional housing is something that is key to being able to quit. (It was always the rent payment that brought me back to the club!)

I’d like to create a place where a woman who wants to get away can just take three or six months off from everything and focus on herself. I’d like to create a space that feels healing and nurturing and allows a woman to get off that crazy treadmill and breathe.

But, I have a lot to learn. I just got the application completed, so have to wait 2-4 weeks for all the background checks before I can get started at the shelter.

I am excited! I feel like I am on the right path.

I hope you all are doing well.

By Jennifer | Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (44)

Now that we’re alone….

April 28, 2011 – 11:48 pm

Thanks to all of you who are still checking in on me. I appreciate the notes and comments throughout my blog!

I’m not sure why I’ve taken a break. Some of you who’ve been reading for a while have pointed out to me that it is something I’ve done at least a couple of times.

It feels like a time of great transition, but in a good way. I realized that ‘working through’ the stripper stuff on my blog was a bit overwhelming for me. I ended up having a lot of nightmares, but paying attention to my dreams did help me to make sense of some of it. I was such a confused young girl in an extremely confusing environment. I ended up emotionally right back in that space of vulnerability, fear, rage, and extreme confusion.

I am still moving forward with a plan to do something to be helpful to women who want to leave sex work and adult entertainment, but feel humbled by my sense of inadequacy and ignorance with regard to what that would even look like. I’m trying to remember that ‘courage’ thing that often eludes me. Doing this very sincerely FEELS like the right path to follow right now. Even if I am walking forward into something that I don’t understand at all.

I’ll need teachers to help me, so that is where I am going to start. What I’ve learned so far is that I don’t have the skills to be helpful. (I tried and failed already.) Other people do, so hopefully I will be able to learn!

I’m probably going to start taking classes this fall.

Take care,

Jennifer

By Jennifer | Posted in mental health, on blogging, reflections (mine) | Comments (30)

A Few Stripper Stuff Clarifications….

March 2, 2011 – 7:50 pm

I feel like I would rather write about this stuff after it is all ‘processed’, but maybe I will be doing that work on my blog. Anyway, I can’t resist the urge to clarify a few quick points.

I am not making a statement with regard to whether or not adult entertainment is an inherently ‘good’ or ‘bad’ thing. It seems to be just something that IS. I trend toward thinking it should be safe, legal, and regulated.

(Being a stripper in a club could sometimes suck, but being recognized as a stripper in any other social situation was the real soul crushing humiliation. So, I’m left to wonder…. was it the stripping that hurt so much? Or the societal view that I was a piece of trash that hurt? I still tend to think the latter was the worst of it. As well as the aspect of it that made it so hard to transition into another job or anything else.)

Many well meaning people speak emphatically against this type of work on behalf of women working in it. My experience was that they may have been meaning to save my ‘body’ from being exploited, but their appropriation of my VOICE often felt far more psychologically obliterating.

The only truth that I emphatically hold to is that no one person can tell the story of another person. (And women in my position can be the most self righteously dangerous with regard to delusions of being able to speak FOR everyone else.)

What I want to do is to offer help to the women who don’t want to strip anymore, but feel stuck. When I put out a few flyers offering help with that a couple of years ago, women started calling me. I wasn’t able to be helpful to them, so I want to learn from people who are more expert about how I can be.

I think one of my knee-jerk angry unprocessed things is with regard to my frequent encounters with people who have a savior complex! It is intolerable for me to see myself as that self righteous woman, so I may just obessively post this same sort of stuff over and over again in reaction to that visceral fear. Ha ha.

Whew! RV blogs gone bad? ; )

Take care,

Jennifer

p.s. I am having to study math to prepare for the GRE test and math makes me cry.

By Jennifer | Posted in unspeakable things | Comments (38)

Stripper Stuff

February 28, 2011 – 5:00 am

I rented a short term (6 month) condo for David and me. It is a comfortable place that we can share. I love that I don’t have much stuff, as I am especially aware of it in this space.

When I moved into my Mini, I still had about a half of a single garage’s worth of storage that I’d not sorted through. I had those things moved here in hopes finishing my purging.

This week I, unexpectedly, found a trash bag full of my old stripper stuff. I guess I’ve dragged that trash bag from place to place, but finally got the guts to open it up. Seeing and touching those things made me physically ill. They feel like confusing artifacts from an unreal dream. The memories of ME being THAT feel so far away that they truly seem impossible.

As I think about moving toward this plan for trying to be helpful (how exactly? I don’t really know) to women who are stuck in the position I was in, I realize I probably will want to make sure I’ve really processed my own story of stripping. I think part of my failure in trying to help women before was because I was overwhelmed by their stories. I don’t feel like my stuff is too huge to deal with, but it is stuff that I pushed aside pretty radically once I had the luxury of getting away from it.

So, like the trash bag of stripper gear, unexpected memories and feelings about that time are showing up. I tried to write about them this week, but my writing comes out very juvenile, defensive, angry, knee-jerk, immature etc. I think it is not just that the memories are difficult, but that my having to experience myself as that chaotic and confused girl makes the experience of remembering it even more sickening.

I prefer to sound like a woman who is finding some sanity! I think that I am. In fact, I think the fact that I feel so much more centered is what is allowing this stuff to come up. It doesn’t frighten me, too much. It just makes me feel kind of sick.

***

p.s. I haven’t sent out the RV Web site link yet. I need to finish it first!

By Jennifer | Posted in mental health, unspeakable things | Comments (19)

And Now For Something Completely Different

February 7, 2011 – 5:00 am

I know this blog is probably considered an RV blog, since that is mostly what I have been focused on over the last year or more. But, for me, it has really been a blog about my psychological and spiritual healing resulting from my three years of intensive psychoanalysis.

That journey (which started about two years before this blog did) took me from suicidal depression, compulsive shopping, and dangerous drinking habits to a more contented life of simplicity and sobriety. It has also been a long journey from isolation toward connection; that is where things are taking a turn in my RV lifestyle.

I’ve been quiet off and on since late last year because I’ve had a few things on my mind that I didn’t want to write about.

I’ve realized that I don’t want to be away from my husband anymore. I am able to spend extended time around the person I love most without feeling a desperate need to run away for days at a time. We’ve decided to find some place where we can more comfortably live under the same roof.

I am also revisiting my desire to have children. Genetic reproduction is off the table for me, but I’ve realized that (however I build it), I do want a family.

Finally, I feel a more desperate need to make a contribution and to do work that I feel connected to. I’ve decided to apply to a graduate program in social work. My goal is to eventually organize a nonprofit to help women trying to get out of adult entertainment and sex work. I actually made an attempt to do this at one point, but was quickly overwhelmed and had to quit. Several women reached out to me for help, so I feel a strong pull to strengthen my skills and make a second effort.

So, I’m not sure where the blog is going to go. I will, of course, keep my Mini, but as I slow down my travel and focus more on social work and family, I am not sure how “RV Adventure” this blog is going to be.

The last thing I want to say is how grateful I am to you for reading my blog! I’m sure it was more inconsequential to you, but for me to have this opportunity to write about myself, to be honest about myself, to integrate the things I am proud of with the things I am most ashamed of into one coherent sense of self has been such a gift. You may have just been reading because you are into RVs, but your attentiveness to me has been a profoundly healing experience.

Thank you!

Jennifer

P.S. As part of my own record of this journey, I may continue to blog on these new topics. I just know that most readers are RV readers, so wanted to thank you before you tuned out!

P.P.S. I have almost completely built out a Web site on RV stuff that I’ve learned, but I need some editors to check my work. If you are willing to check my work on RV mechanical and electrical stuff, please post your email address in a comment and I’ll send you the link. Thanks in advance!

By Jennifer | Posted in mental health, on blogging, reflections (mine), the end | Comments (53)

All is well

January 26, 2011 – 11:04 am

Just a note to say that all is well. I haven’t repaired the circuit yet, but have just left it shut down.

I had my 40th birthday, today is my sister’s birthday, and my father had hip replacement surgery yesterday, so things are just very busy.

Hope all is well in the blogosphere!

Take care,

Jennifer

p.s. I am WAY behind on emails!

By Jennifer | Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (18)

Fire Shooting Out of Outlets = I don’t need that coffee.

January 15, 2011 – 1:20 pm

Yesterday I was just sitting around, heard a light pop, then smelled slight burning. I went to my galley and noticed one of my bulbs was out, so assumed that was what I heard and smelled.

This morning, my coffee finishes brewing and I hear a loud pop, rush over to my galley, see smoke coming out of the outlet and then another pop and FIRE is shooting out of my outlet.

It starts burning the wood galley, so I grab my fire extinguisher, pull the pin and squeeze it, nothing comes out.

The fire quickly burns out. I disconnect power.

Now what.

The fire was burning up over that wooden ledge, so I thought the galley was going to catch fire.

(That thing plugged in is my polarity tester., which I always have plugged in there.)

***

The plug that caught fire is the one the coffee pot was plugged into.
Nothing else was plugged into any other outlet in my RV except bathroom night light and polarity tester.
This outlet is on the same series of outlets that ‘mysteriously’ threw the breaker when I was out of town.
I didn’t have any heat or heaters on.

************

Update:

I’m disconnected from power and pulled the outlet out. This is a huge picture file so if you click on it (a few times) you’ll see in much more detail. I don’t know how to determine how big the wire gauge is.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to try to fix this myself! I am just trying hard to learn what goes wrong so it doesn’t feel so overwhelming….

I’m completely disconnected from all power and will call the RV tech who replaced my transfer relay.

By Jennifer | Posted in afraid, mishaps, mistakes, and misadventures, rv maintenance, repair, and mods | Comments (44)

Tithing 10%

January 11, 2011 – 12:24 pm

I was halfway to Quartzsite, had a meltdown and ran home to my husband. I am having a harder time being away from him right now.

I’ve decided/felt/realized that I need to start giving away 10% of my gross income each month, so will also include that in my budget this year. (Dave Ramsey says he tithed all the way into and out of bankruptcy and that if we can’t live on 90% of our income, then we can’t live on 100%.)

My healing through my Jungian psychoanalysis was a profoundly transformative spiritual experience (that I’ve not written very candidly, or at all?, about) and this impulse has that strong spiritual feeling that I can’t ignore.

Taking a hard look at my budget, my financial goals for this year, and my recognition that I need to give more away makes it harder for me to spend so freely on travel, so my travel style is going to have to be recalibrated for the short term.

So much of this is a process for me. When I started this journey I often felt discouraged when I would see how disciplined others were in these areas. From my vantage point, it felt like it was too far a leap to make. Now I’m learning that all of these things are a journey and that moving toward this lifestyle, gently, and without harsh judgments on how I should or should not be doing it has allowed for a wonderful and more natural sense of growth.

Hope you are doing well!

Take care,

Jennifer

By Jennifer | Posted in mental health, money, reflections (mine), simplifying | Comments (31)

Out of Credit Card Debt in 2011!

January 5, 2011 – 5:00 am

My biggest goal for 2011 is to be completely out of credit card debt. I have one card left:

American Express: -$29,158.08

I cut some big expenses over the last two years, but didn’t ever do a hard budget. I’ve just used my debit card for everything and whatever was left at the end of the month went toward my enormous debt. This year I want to get more deliberate and aggressive on this plan.

Here is my current budget:

Fixed Monthly Expenses:

RV Loan: $514
Medical Insurance: $440 ($5,000 deductible) My husband got invasive melanoma three years ago, so this skyrocketed. (We pay $880 total.) We both need to be on our corporate group policy in order to keep his coverage.
Rent House: $400 (The difference between mortgage and rental income; my husband pays half of the $800.)
Student Loan: $228
T-Mobile Cell Phone: $100 (The only cell service that works where my husband lives.)
Verizon Internet: $65
Auto/RV Insurance: $50 (I split a $98 Geico premium with my husband.)

Total Fixed Expenses: $1,797

Variable Monthly Expenses:

Camping: $500 (I hope to decrease this, but want to give myself some pad here.)
Diesel: $350 (1,500 miles at $3.3 per gallon at 15mpg; 0.22 per mile; This would be a decrease!)
Groceries: $300 (This would be a decrease!)
Personal Care: $200 (Includes dr appts, meds, etc.)
RV Maintenance: $100 (or saving for same)
Dining: $100 (This would be a big decrease!)
Misc: $100 (Web site fees, credit monitoring, bank fees, etc.)
Travel/tourism: $50
Propane: $40 (This will go up as camping fees go down.)
Unknown/Other: $200

Total Variable Expenses: $1,940

Total Budgeted Expenses: $3,737

***

Total Debt:

American Express: $29,158 (prime+6%)
RV Loan: $41,857 (6.5%; 10 year balloon)
Student Loan: $41,644 (2.125% over 30 years)
Rent House: $236,222 (6.75% fixed 30 yr; interest only; pymt of $2022 includes taxes and insurance; needs a refinance but is upside down.)

***

Should I Keep My Austin House?

My biggest question is with regard to keeping my house in Austin. Of course, I didn’t have the option to sell it (or not without locking in a significant loss in the middle of the recession), and later decided to hang on to it as a long term investment rental property.

Is that a good idea or a bad idea?

It costs me $800 a month, or $9,600 a year. After I pay off my credit card debt, I can start making big principal payments so it would possibly be cash-flow neutral within 3-5 years and paid off in 15.

It is in a very prime neighborhood in Central Austin — all the value is in the lot. (Literally, my appraisal values my house at only $2,400.) Just north of the University of Texas, it is also always in a good rental market. (Currently rented at $1,450.)

I like this plan because it is a forced investment plan. I fear I won’t stick with a voluntary one. Also, I lost my entire (meager) 401K in the tech bust of 2000, so feel burned by my ability to make good market investments.

The amount I’d save on interest with an early pay off is more than the current amount I owe! I love the idea that in 15 years I’d have a paid off income generating asset and it is hard for me to see how I could confidently build that with another investment strategy.

But this house would likely be my only investment/savings plan. I don’t know how to calculate a rate of return on this and figure out if this is the best strategy or not.

***

p.s. I’m kind of obsessing on my finances right now, so that is why the budgeting thing is coming up a lot.

***

By Jennifer | Posted in credit card debt, money | Comments (32)

Stealth Camping

January 2, 2011 – 1:22 pm

Back on the road! Here is a short video about how I stealth camp while traveling.

transcript for stealth camping

By Jennifer | Posted in nomadism | Comments (28)

My Homemade Schematic

December 30, 2010 – 4:38 pm

I was trying to get my head around my electrical system (since I have three outlets that aren’t working). In the process, I made this homemade schematic of my Mini.

I think I’m starting to figure some of this out!

I am going to expand it and add things as I understand them. I had to study a lot to understand this much.

Back on the road Saturday. Yeah!

Take care,

Jennifer

p.s. Will I see any of you at Quartzsite?

By Jennifer | Posted in I did it!, rv maintenance, repair, and mods | Comments (35)

A Review of My RV

December 28, 2010 – 5:00 am

I think most of you know that I love my Mini, but since some of you are still in the shopping stage, I wanted to give you a hindsight review of my RV choice.

What I love:

It it really easy to drive. I am in love with the Sprinter!
Averaging 15mpg. (Some say they do better, but this is my average.)
Really reliable engine. I know that if I take good care of it, my Mercedes Benz diesel will keep my Mini running for a long, long time.
It is skinny, so that makes for much less stress in tight spots.
I love the floorplan and rear bath, with a large enough shower to use. (I didn’t realize how few RVers used their own showers!)
I like the more contemporary interior design.
24 foot with a slide is the perfect size for me.
I can do a veggie oil conversion on the diesel.

What I don’t love:

How much I spent.
Poor quality of house construction.
Poor quality of Gulf Stream support.

If I were shopping right now? I’d probably be looking at something like this 2003 Winnebago Minnie.

Why?

I’d have as much, (if not more) room as my current class C
I bought my 2006 Mini for $45K, and could probably pay $15k less for this 2003 Winnebago.
I’d have an RV that had a good manufacturer — better construction, better customer service, and, oh dear god, maybe I’d get a detailed schematic!

As I start to finally tighten the belt on my spending, I think my only regret is just how much I spent. I’d rather have the $15k and the older Winnebago.

Hold back on the “I told you so!”

By Jennifer | Posted in buying RV, money, rv maintenance, repair, and mods | Comments (20)

Screen Room Disaster

December 25, 2010 – 1:00 pm

It’s Christmas morning, so I am at my husband’s house at the Gulf. (Because his tiny house is a 700 sq ft wall to wall office, I still live in my Mini when I’m here.)

I’m sitting in my comfy leather chair and drinking coffee when I see my new screenroom go AIRBORNE. Half of the 10×10 structure is IN THE AIR, hurtling toward my Mini.

Flying out of my chair, I run outside barefoot to try to get a grip on one of the flying legs. The roof has now turned into a giant sail, so I don’t dare let go to run ask my husband for help.

Step by step, I dismantle the room in the blowing wind. I’m freezing my ass off.

Frantically running around for almost ten minutes, I finally have the room safely disassembled. Able to catch my breath for the first time and lowering my adrenaline, I am again struck by how cold I am.

Another cold gust of wind and I realize why – the back of my cotton skirt is stuffed in my underwear.

Not only was I freezing my ass off, I was baring my ass to all my neighbors.

Merry Christmas!

Jennifer

p.s. I did have the screen room staked into the ground!

By Jennifer | Posted in mishaps, mistakes, and misadventures | Comments (19)

Adding a Screen Room to My RV

December 20, 2010 – 5:00 am

Here is my Christmas present from my husband! I was able to set up and dismantle the whole thing by myself. (I was worried, because the instructions say you need two people.)

The screen room was $139 and the rug was $59, much cheaper than the permanent screen rooms that attach to your awning.

Here is the 9x12 reversible outdoor rug I got for the floor. (It folds almost flat and weighs about 5-7 lbs.) It feels kind of plastic-y.

The 10x10 screen room is pretty compact and fits in my basement storage. (It's that blue thing.) It weighs 44 lbs.

I was actually able to get it back IN this bag after I dismantled it!

This would be the step where they think you need two people. I just had to walk around in a circle and keep extending each side.

(Though I'm sure I looked ridiculous making continuous circles around it.)

Roof canopy goes on before fully open.

Legs extend all the way out, then up.

Note to self: Don't stake the poles before putting the screen around them!

I accidentally put the screen on inside out. (Velcro holds it up inside.) Okay, now I am very confused as I see the Velcro on the correct side. Maybe they are on both sides!

The screen room is not tall enough to be placed in front of the door to my Mini. I'll move it back farther next time.

100 extra square feet of outdoor living space!

Happy Holidays! I am visiting family all over Texas and will be heading West again at the end of the month.

Here is a link to the screen room I got.

Here is a link to the rug.

I also got these sun/wind breakers.

By Jennifer | Posted in I did it!, rv maintenance, repair, and mods | Comments (24)

Living In My Car

The End

Back in my Mini

Now that we’re alone….

A Few Stripper Stuff Clarifications….

Stripper Stuff

And Now For Something Completely Different

All is well

Fire Shooting Out of Outlets = I don’t need that coffee.

Tithing 10%

Out of Credit Card Debt in 2011!

Stealth Camping

My Homemade Schematic

A Review of My RV

Screen Room Disaster

Adding a Screen Room to My RV

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