I am posting all kinds of really personal information on this blog.
I guess this site is sort of anonymous, but my pictures are all over it.
My husband keeps saying, “Don’t write anything you wouldn’t want to see on the cover of the New York Times.”
(Not to suggest that the New York Times would ever care about him or me; it is just his measure for whether or not something should ever be put in print and/or in an email.)
I tend to be pretty candid in person, but I guess the reality is that I just don’t speak to many people.
.
The other reality and/or confusion is that I don’t understand why I shouldn’t share this stuff.
That during the years that I made the most money in my life, I generated the highest credit card debt of my life.
Or that I got really, really sick and wanted to kill myself.
Don’t people do these things? I mean, don’t I read about this stuff all over the place?
I guess I am really honest, but a part of me thinks that I am just too tired and/or lazy to try to manufacture some better version.
Also, when you are really candid, other people start telling you a lot of their shit.
And, it seems to me, at one time or another, life kicks everyone’s ass.
So why is that supposed to be such a secret?
17 Comments
You post about reality…the truth….not some “sugar coated” story that most people like to mask their life as. Thats why it is so interesting to follow your blog. Yes, life does eventually kick everyone’s ass at one point – no matter what their status may be. You have too much to offer to “keep it a secret”. Thanks for continuing to share your story with us!
Well it’s no secret that I am Fifty Fat and Fatigued, but what I find interesting is how you started talking and I have stopped… ok.. reduced significantly then, wuteva. Ha.
Life did kick your ass Jennifer very hard but it is what you did with it that is the story.
My life has always been an open book, transparent and I did connect with a lot of different kinds of people. However, I feel I have reached my maximum amount of people in my life and I desperately need some time alone.
It’s like we are reversing our roles. I want to slip away and you are developing, sharing and creating a network of people in a very personal way. It is NOT your norm and I love the way you keep pushing and pushing.
Every day I wonder and marvel at whether you are going to make me laugh, cry or challenge a norm.
Keep talking, posting, generating ideas and displaying really cool pics.
Your truths are setting you free and your readers, as well. Even if they won’t come out of the closet.
Perhaps many of them share your challenges and are just as afraid to comment.
Wow this is a long post and I am not supposed to be talking as much. ha ha.
I can’t remember how much I have told you or how much I have posted here on your blog, and like you, being honest, I am too lazy to go back and look to see.
I have had my ass kicked by life more than once. As a matter of fact, I get my ass kicked so often that I actually changed my outlook on getting my ass kicked so I actually enjoy it rather than let it make me feel bad.
I call it the “spice of life.” If you think about it, it would really be boring if everything went according to plan and always worked out the way it does in the movies. I always ask my wife… “When you look at your life, do you feel like you’re watching one really long movie? Because I do…”
I know, I know… it’s that old ‘if life gives you lemons’ bullshit, but I guess there is a reason that saying has been around for so long, right?
I have been getting my ass kicked for all of 2009. It started early in the year and just got worse. By July, I didn’t really feel like I wanted to do anything anymore. I got laid off in February, my truck, which I love, got hit while no one was looking. Marital issues of which we won’t go into at this time… the list goes on and on. 2009 has been bad.
Or has it? Now that it is coming to a close, I am still struggling to get things caught up (mostly due to some unexpected things AFTER we bought the new to us motorhome) but things are really looking up. I look back at the year and the things that looked like they were completely overwhelming now look like they were just some areas to make adjustments, changes and fix some problem areas.
This has happened at least 5 times in my memory. We have lost everything TWICE and had to start over from scratch. I guess that is part of the reason for the motorhome. If everything goes to hell, we can always live in that and no one can take it from us!!
Now I’m rambling, posting stuff on your blog that I can’t post on mine… sorry. Heh.
I can’t even remember what we were talking about now.
Hey Jennifer, I’m one of the anonymous lurkers and just want to thank you for your blog, which I find refreshing and inspiring. I am a solo woman who grew up in a very comfortable lifestyle in Greenwich, CT, had a high-powered career at one time and was a super-responsible person nearly all my life. In April 2009 my credit score was 790 and I owned two homes, including a riverfront vacation home (all acquired with 100% my own funds and efforts). Despite this, my family scorns and disrespects me in every way. At 23 I married the (seriously) wrong guy and after he became abusive, divorced him at 29 and have been the sole support and parent for my two children ever since. No I did not put up with his abuse and no my family did not help me, just heaped insult after insult on me because no one else in the family had ever been divorced. I worked for a large corporation for many years and made every sacrifice so my kids could go live in a nice community, go to great schools, attend summer camp, go to college etc. They’ve turned out to be wonderful human beings to everyone in the world except to me, whom they treat like garbage. My original family of high-achievers is obnoxiously condescending and judgmental of me, not to mention the terrible influence they’ve been on my kids in disrespecting me. They have undercut me at every opportunity until I cut off my relationships with them (and still they have persisted with my children). I just cannot deal with any more of the EXTREME DISRESPECT I’ve experienced (you know, when the kinds of things are said that you’re so shocked at you just ‘clam up’ because you can’t even believe they would say such a thing to anyone, let alone you, a good person who worked like a fiend all your life???). Anyway, some things happened over the summer with my daughter and my family that have got me very deeply depressed and that were the last straw. I pretty much quit paying all my bills and seriously wanted to opt out. My kids are on their own and will be fine, but ultimately I couldn’t be so selfish as to leave them with the painful legacy of suicide. So I’m researching to see if going solo in an RV (and leaving no forwarding address) might be a better option for me. The beauty of nature, and my own intrinsic curiosity about new places and people may be my saving graces. I just can’t keep paying and paying for the mistake of marrying a loser, who was an absent father except for the evil he did, when I was the one who was there every day of their my kids’ lives and have been cleaning up his mess ever since. It is comforting to observe someone else who just couldn’t take it anymore and who figures out how to start again. I’m not feeling very resilient lately, but we’ll see whether I may have one more comeback in me yet. So that’s my truth, and I thank you for sharing yours. You go girl!
I only found your blog yesterday (I don’t know how), but your last two posts left me feeling obligated to say “Hi. Your public soul baring deserves that of me after my peeking through your open window. I’d feel something akin to a peeping-tom if I were not to introduce myself.
My wife and I like travel and wanted our children to know that there is a world outside our home town. The two coalesced in a summer trip through the western US a month or so before your time in Zion, The Grand Canyon, and elsewhere. It was a magical and therapeutic trip.
I selfishly hope you continue posting, but, of course, would understand if you chose otherwise. I trust you will do what you find healthiest.
john
Jennifer…..Whew!!! See what you’ve started…..neat don’t you think….ffraser
Wow. I think we’ve started a “Got My Ass Kicked” posse! I knew you were all in it with me…
Dear Angie, My day always starts with an uplifting post from you. Thank you!
Dear Joey, I am glad you are on this journey with me. As always, you make me laugh.
Dear Wade, I had a vibe that you knew where I was coming from on some of this. I appreciate your sharing and hope you continue to do so. Sorry you’ve had such a tough year, but it is amazing how good we feel about ourselves when we look back and think “Damn! I made it!” huh?
Dear GypsySoul, You have no idea how much your post touched me. I am so sorry you are suffering, but having gone through a very long episode of misery myself, I hope you can see that we do get to the other side of it. (For me, of course, with a lot of very expensive professional help.) Your candor is a great support to me. I was wondering if I was telling too much, but when you share with me, I am able to *feel* how reading others stories is helpful and healing. Please keep trying to kick ass! As you can see from my posts, feeling like you are losing the battle is obviously only part of the continuing journey…
Dear John, I appreciate the hello and the kind words. I promise that I won’t keep requesting encouragement, but, today, it did help to hear it from you!
Dear Fraser, I can’t believe it! I never knew telling all this bad stuff about myself could bring me so many good things…
Jen:
Well I was going to tell you and others how great things have always been for me and how lucky I have always been, but now, maybe not, since it will look like sour grapes to those in real pain.
I got in a conversation with my DD over who is the luckiest, which I won, because as I said, she drew me as a father, but I drew her as a DD! and no one can have better luck than that.
I’m the luckiest man in the world because I have the most wonderful DS in the world.
I’m the luckiest because I have the most wonderful DDIL in the universe.
I’m luckiest because DW and I have been married 51 years and have three of the smartest, prettiest, strongest most beautiful DGS in the world.
I’m the luckiest because I have gotten to work with some the best people and for the best companies one could hope for.
I’m the luckiest because I got to stay working until I was over 70. For a great big company.
and had fun doing it until one day, it wasn’t so much fun and I retired.
I’m the luckiest because after being bored a couple years with retirement, DD opened a woman owned law firm (her name is the first one in my email address) and I came back to work to help guide it and see her grow to become an incredible manager.
I’m the luckiest because I have a big ‘ol 5th wheel sitting in my driveway and we will take off one day when the DGS are too busy to come see their MiMi and PaPa.
I’m the luckiest because I ran into your blog while surfing over at Rv.net and have followed you every since.
I’m the luckiest because as you grow and get stronger, I will be reading about your adventures.
I’m the luckiest because when you buy that big ‘ol bad ass diesel, I will be there to ride along with you.
I’m the luckiest because you are a smart, talented, beautiful, gifted person, and a gifted writer.
Gee, what’s not to love about this life?
Love,
James
Dear James,
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I think you make an important point about gratitude…
And thank you for the kind words. I am very lucky that you will be riding along with me!
Jennifer
I now remember when I found your blog! I was sitting alone with tears in my eyes because we couldn’t find any work (in FL) and we need A LOT of money to get back on the road (transmission’s out in our truck). I was SO ready to quit! I read your blog and it calmed me down somehow – keep writing incase I need it again
Life’s a struggle, but that’s what makes it interesting I suppose.
Whenever and if ever this fascinating group Jennifer has started decides to meet out there on the road, I would love to cook a big huge meal for all to share! Think how fun it would be to sit down together out there someplace, free from all that bogs us down.
Dear Jessica, That mean so much to me, but I am sorry you were in a bad circumstance. Have you guys been able to find work?
Dear Barb, Yeah! Don’t tempt us all or you may be on the hook for that! I am getting so attached to this group and think that sounds pretty wonderful…
Jennifer
Jennifer….from time to time i plan to offer a few “tips” that i think are important as we go along ’cause i’m still a lurker at heart and have no patience for long notes….so, i gather that you are thinking of getting a diesel pusher and if you do, i strongly suggest that you take a professional truck drivers course or at least obtain an air brake ticket……a few states and most provinces insist that drivers on vehicles with air brakes must have this endorsement but many rv owners do not bother….fraser
Barb,
What a WONDERFUL idea (about the get together)!
I recently ran across your website through your niece Lisas website:(http://lisasyarns.blogspot.com/). I then wondered if “Barb” that comments on Jennifers site was the same Barb that Lisa knows. Sure enough! See, its even a small world out here on the world wide web!
Beautiful apple butter post by the way! Looks delicious!
Anyhow, I agree that Jennifer has started a very fascinating group! It would be a lot of fun to eventually meet up one day. And Barb is going to cook for us?! **DROOLS** For those who haven’t seen her website….you can almost TASTE her cooking through her posts! Yum!
Great idea Barb! We need to come up with a name for this “group” that Jennifer has grown so attached to! lol
Dear Fraser, Thank you for the helpful guidance. That sounds like just the kind of extra assurance that I’d like, but didn’t know that I could find a school to help me. (I’d looked for RV driving schools, but you need your own rig.) I’ll look into it!
Dear Angie, I can relate to you description of Barb’s blog! I do not look at it when I am hungry and have to make do with my poor cooking skills!
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
I’m catching up on your old posts . . . I keep thinking that everyone knows how liberating it is to spill your deep dark secrets. But it’s like the other major life lessons – we all learn in our own time at our own pace. And it’s sad that we can’t transfer that knowledge to our kids and other loved ones. They too have to learn by themselves.
But talking about who you are and how you got here is so freeing!
I think I was in my 30s when I mentioned to a neighbor that I was a victim of incest. And then she told me her story. Well, if there’s a Richter Scale for child sexual abuse, mine was a 1 and hers was at least a 7! But the amazing thing was, I no longer felt alone with my secret past. So I told someone else. And guess what? She was a victim too. And so it went.
And then I figured out that “victim” is a state of mind. When you stop embracing your victim-hood, you begin to heal. And eventually, that nasty past is just a small part of who you are.
Since this is an old blog post, I know you’ll likely not see this, but I did want to at least say hi, and let you know that I’m a new ‘fan’, as well.
I stumbled across your YouTube page as I was browsing through the amazing varieties of vehicles that people have converted into campers, seeing the video you did of the woman who had converted her van into an absolutely amazing home on wheels.
I just had to see more, so I went to your channel, and watched all the videos there. Then I followed your link here, and I’m now starting from the earliest posts I could find and am working my way back to the present. Long way to go yet, but I am enjoying every moment.
I’m a fifty two year old single mom, my two oldest kids are grown, and I just have to get my sixteen year old daughter through high school. In all honesty, I’ve been pushing through depression for years through sheer will power, having lost one of my younger brothers five years ago to cancer. When he died, a part of me died, and another part is still there, sitting in the bed with him, holding his hand as he took his last breath.
Yesterday, April 15, was his birthday.
He never got to do all the things he wanted to do, but he did get to travel all over the US. He was a truck driver for over twenty two years.
As I age and tire from contantly working and struggling to survive, I’ve felt a growing need for something different. My whole life, I’ve given up everything I ever wanted to do, so that I could take care of others, make sure they got what they needed. I’m not complaining, I’m happy to do for others. But I also know that I do not want to leave this world having never been able to be truly me, to know freedom, and see the things my brother saw.
You have truly inspired me, you have helped me focus that vague urge in my heart. It will be a few years yet before I can follow that urge, if God allows me the time. But it gives me a focus now, something to really work for.
I hope you will always post your heart and share your life’s journey with us. You are an awesome writer and an amazing person, and I salute your courage in facing your fears and pushing on to live your dream.