I keep wanting to write about my not-drinking and my going to AA, but everything I write I throw away. It just comes out too weird and contorted.
So, I am just going to write a big messy post about it.
I’ve been going to meetings, but haven’t been sharing or introducing myself. They ask for people in their first 30 days of sobriety to raise their hand, but I don’t like to do that. (I mean, it makes me feel like at every meeting I am supposed to scream out that I’ve accepted the Savior and am asking for everyone to clap for me.)
I have met some really amazing women who have come up to me after the meetings. (Though I am supposed to call them, and, of course, I haven’t done that either.)
I mean, in some ways, stopping drinking is easier for me than the socializing I am supposed to do with these women to help me stop drinking! (They are super nice, absolutely wonderful; I am just a weirdo.)
I feel like it is easier for me to talk to you guys on this blog than to raise my hand and share in a meeting.
So, what are the messy components of this incoherent not-drinking narrative that I can’t write? Here are some of the issues:
I don’t think that I drink as much as many people, but I am worried about my drinking.
I am worried about my drinking, because I have to be very, very careful about things that alter my mood.
Because I have to be very, very careful about things that alter my mood, I have to get a lot of rest, exercise regularly, try to engage in charitable activities, etc. You know, all the things that any therapist, pastor, life coach, or self help book is going to tell you to do.
Drinking alcohol (even moderately) gives me a lot of generalized anxiety and fear over the days that follow. Technically classified as a depressant, it also affects my mood.
So, over the years, I have been obsessive in my control of it. (I didn’t even drink for the first several years of my stripping!)
My fear and frustration is that I feel like I am losing my grip on that control. (Even though my consumption may still be almost moderate.)
On several occasions over the past year, after I started drinking, I didn’t stop. Totally disgusting. Totally alcoholic behavior. Seriously, I am a control freak, this is humiliating to me.
After that, I gave it up for 30 days, 60 days, etc., but then would try to drink again, and it would be the same thing. After a couple of drinks, it was only brutal and miserable self control that kept me from drinking more.
Even though I was often able to stop after two, it required so much self discipline that I told my husband it was easier and more pleasant for me to just not drink.
Still, on a couple more occasions, after a couple glasses of wine, I didn’t stop.
That is what happened the night before I wrote the “I can’t believe I’m a drunk post.”
So, I don’t think I really drink that much.
But I really want a glass of wine.
And I really think that I shouldn’t have one.
That is my big messy post.
See you Monday.
.
***
Countup: 17 days of no drinking!
Countdown: 140 days until I move into my RV!
18 Comments
I would guess the AA friends would be right there for you when you needed to have a glass of wine. And, they would help you to make it through that. It is scary to be a careful person who can’t control everything, no? When I was in the process of stopping smoking (and I loved every cigarette I smoked), I decided I would try to verbally express whenever I needed a cigarette and then maybe I would have more strength to resist the urge. It was scary at first because I was yelling it all day long. And, people gave me strange looks, believe me. It didn’t stop me. However, it made me aware of why and when I had my cravings. I really wanted to be over that addiction and it really owned me. It was so much more than just a physical addiction. It gradually worked for me. I do not mean to suggest you do the same, walk around and yell, “I need a glass of wine.” I know there is more involved. There just seems to be something about getting the information outside that makes it easier for one to understand. And, I think that is what you are doing with this blog. You are getting it outside of you. And, you have great support here. We just aren’t able to be physically there for you and you might need that. We’re here only when we want to turn on our computers and respond. There’s the rub.
Ever tried marijuana?
I haven’t, but I know that I no longer enjoy drinking like I used to. I have been doing a lot of research on pot and as I grow older, I find more and more of what was pounded in our heads as children to be pure, brainwashing crap. The more I find out about it, the more I might have to actually give it a shot someday.
I have always had friends that smoked it. Always. Even as far back as in high school. Still, to this day, I have successful, wonderful friends that partake of the evil plant. I’m going to keep doing my research and if there ever comes a day when it is no longer illegal (I have this fear of the judicial system…probably because I have a degree in criminology) I might just do that instead of drinking alcohol. Although, not a fan of smoke and stuff. I’d probably have to do the brownie thing.
Not really sure why I even brought it up other than the stuff I am finding out about the anti-depressive qualities and what not…
Hi Jennifer,
I don’t have time to check in every day, but when I do I am continually blown away by how much we have in common. I, too, come from a large Irish family where jusb about everyone is either a practicing or recovering alcoholic. I understand all your reasons for needing to get this under control; but keep in mind if you do drink, wine is much less harmful to the body than hard liquor. My doctor actually told me that. On another note, I am confused because you occasionally mention a husband, yet I get the impression you are doing the R.V. venture solo. Maybe I haven’t been reading your blog long enough. Take care and good luck with your goals!
Mary Ann
Jennifer –
Keep on typing words – your messy post is beautiful! Sigh…I grew up with alcohol alllllll around me. Many aunts, uncles and cousins and there was always a reason for a gathering. Every and any gathering, there was the good ‘ole alcohol. Never knew any different until I started hanging with people who didn’t care for alcohol much. What a weird thing it was for me at first. I did some stupid things in life…while being under the influence. Tried AA for a while. I didn’t think I was a ‘true’ alcholic yet I knew I was having issues with drinking. I stopped for a while. It was what I needed to do at the time. Do I drink now? Sure, I’ll have a few beers here and there. I drink cuz I like the taste. Do I drink cuz of a stressful day or cuz I’m wanting a buzz – I have to be careful. If I’m with friends who drink heavily, I find I need to be more careful. It’s so easy to fall in and just drink along with everyone and before you know it, you’ve had too much. I wasn’t going to say anything about that ‘part’ of myself but after reading Wade’s post I had to chime in. I explored pot. I fell in love because I got the buzz I felt with drinking but NO hangovers. WOW! How cool is that? I don’t recommend this path. Like you, I have that addictive personality – that’s what makes me nervous. So, I just have to be smart and pay attention. Easy? No. But I’m aware of it. I quit smoking after 10 years. The physical addiction wasn’t bad – it’s the psychological part. I like what Barb did – yelled every time you need a cig (or insert whatever you are quitting). What worked for me was figured out three times of the day I ‘had’ to have a cig. Waking up in the AM, after I eat and while driving. I forced myself not to smoke at those times and waited at least 30 minutes (driving – waited until I got to my destination). Once those cravings subdued, quitting was easy. For me anyways. Everyone is different.
Well, there’s my messy response of the day. Dunno if anything in there is useful.
Kari
I’m with wade, sometimes pot can be a nice break from alcohol.
Having said that, you will open up at the meetings when the time is right. You will call the “support” people when the time is right.
For you.
Don’t worry about it, it will happen.
Dear Barb, Thank you, so much, for sharing that experience with me. It is incredibly helpful and actually makes me feel a little bit less crazy with this! I think you are right that it would be helpful to literally articulate the feeling WHEN I feel it and to then start to consider the WHY. Your last sentence got me to attend two meetings today, so I am feeling a ton better tonight as a result of that…
Dear Wade, I’ve been around the university quite a bit, so know of many professional people who use marijuana regularly. I don’t think it would work for me, though. I tend to be a bit low energy and pot just brings me farther down… (I tried it when I was much younger and didn’t like it; it really just made me want to each nachos all the time.)
Dear Mary Ann, Thanks for the reply. I *love* it when people share their experiences with me after I have written about mine. With regard to my husband, I have one blog post about that (titled, “The deal with my (seemingly absent) husband”)
http://livinginmycar.com/blog/2009/10/04/the-deal-with-my-seemingly-absent-husband-2/
We own two houses and live separately. He lives about 175 miles from me. We visit each other all the time – several days each week. It’s great!
Dear Kari, Extremely helpful. Thank you for sharing that. How is it that you and Barb had the same quitting-smoking strategy? I’ve never heard of this! Your history with alcohol sounds a lot like mine. I have done the ‘be careful’ thing for years now, but my fury and frustration is the sense that I am losing my grip and am having episodes where I lose control of my drinking. Then I obsess on it when I am not drinking…
Dear Karyn, You take everything in stride. How is it that you do this? I actually raised my hand for the first time tonight when they asked who was in their first 30 days. Maybe next week I will actually set the goal of talking in a meeting. Whew.
Thanks to all of you!
Jennifer
Jennifer, Ok, I haven’t been reading your blog very long so I can’t say I know you well at all (as well as anyone can know someone through a blog…which well, nevermind because sometimes we are more honest while blogging than we are with our loved ones!). But anyhow, let me ask you…are you sure you think you are even remotely prone to becoming alcoholic? Or are you really afraid of losing control?
I’m not a therapist, not by a long shot. But your dilemma sounds familiar to me. I have a relative who is so paranoid about booze because she claims her parents were alkies (which yeah, they kinda were, but that doesn’t mean she has to be). But she became so paranoid about becoming one that she went the opposite way and became a freaky hard core Christian with lots of uptight attitudes about life, which to me is even scarier. That’s just me though (please don’t take offense Christian readers).
Most drinkers have had some kind of rowdy brawls, fights, and bad hangovers. The worst fights my hubby and I have ever had have been booze-induzed. But does that make us alcoholics? I hope not.
Hell, maybe I’ll join ya.
I’m here…I’m here!
Our Internet connection took a crap on us for a day so that’s why I didn’t have a chance to comment yesterday!
As I had mentioned in a previous post, I don’t think you are a true “alcoholic”. And this is obviously just judging by what I have read in this blog about your habit. I’ll have to go with Rene on this one and say that you are probably just afraid of losing control of the drinking. Either way – good for you for seeking help and getting a handle on it before it does become a major issue. I think you just need to monitor your intake. Set a “limit” that you will allow yourself to have. Once you mastered this plan then you will not be so obsessive about it. Easier said than done I’m sure. But it’s worth a shot (no pun intended)! If you truly love the taste of wine then “giving it up” completely might be a little far fetched and harsh.
I’m sure this blog is helping you along as far as support. As far as the AA meetings….some people benefit from them and others don’t. Just take it in stride and see what comes of it. If you find yourself still feeling uncomfortable after several weeks then perhaps you need to turn to another form of support. This too shall pass!
I’m here if you need to talk.
Most folks who don’t have trouble with booze don’t think about it or talk about it much. They drink or they don’t. But they don’t decide whether something will be a good time based on whether or not booze (or pot) will be available. It simply doesn’t matter much.
Once it begins to matter, it often has become a sneaky nasty problem.
I am on the other end of this long line of life. I like not drinking, the feeling of control it gives my life.
What you choose is totally up to you. I wish you the very best, and a long and happy life filled with no regrets.
Love,
Linda
Thanks, Rene, Angie, and Linda, for the follow up comments. I feel like I have my very own (free!) psychotherapy group!
A few quick things that I didn’t write but feel safe burying here in the comments… ha ha.
I think you are right to pick up on some paranoia, but I haven’t been candid enough on ALL the things I am paranoid about! What I don’t want to write too explicitly (but maybe is?), is that I have a pretty serious inherited mood disorder. For that reason alone, I really should not drink at all, but I have not been able to stop. It is so infuriating! In fact, my drinking has gotten worse each time I have stopped and re-tried to drink in moderation…
The other thing is I have not been explicit about is how I drink. I don’t drink and party with friends or my husband, but drink out of control when I am all by myself in my house. Pathetic! Ugh. It is really shameful. I don’t like to write that. I might delete this later.
I went to two meetings yesterday and one this morning. The women are fucking funny as hell, so that part is good.
Anyway, I sincerely appreciate you guys taking the time out to talk to me about it.
I had to send another post – One thing I do miss from those AA meetings is hearing the funny stuff…well, it’s not even funny stuff…just hearing real stuff. People are candid at the meetings. They say it how that see it. Sometimes I feel like I’m surrounded by idiots at work because so many people don’t want to say the wrong thing, or won’t voice their opinion because someone else won’t like it or they are just fake. I can see fakeness a mile away. I get tired of the fakeness though. I usually don’t let it get to me but .. it seems the more I’m aware of it the more it annoys me these days.
Jennifer – I won’t type what you said in case you delete your post but don’t be ashamed. Be proud you are able to talk about it. Heck, you don’t have to talk about it – you already recognize it. Even if you decide not to stick with AA you will definitely gain awareness. I went to rehab – I knew what the shrinks wanted to hear and I skated my way through. Sitting through that for 90 days – playing euchre, spades, ping pong, smoking cigs and smoozing for day passes so I can get fresh air – you can’t help but internalize some of the things you hear. I went back to the same old thing when I got out but my mindset was different. I didn’t want it to be but there was nothing I could do about that. I don’t have a magical answer but keep talking, keep writing and keep questioning things.
Kari
Dear Kari,
The laughing and crying and self-deprecatory humor really did draw me in today. It is nice to be around people who are so REAL. I get that feeling here in the blogosphere, but not with people I meet in person as often.
So you’ve been in rehab! Not exactly the same as the psych hospital, but glad to hear from someone who had a similar experience. I felt kind of freaky after that post about the hospital. For some naive reason, I thought I’d get more, “Oh, me too!” on that one. ; )
Nice to hear from you,
Jennifer
Honestly Jen, why I take things in stride has alot to do with my son. Since he was born, I started putting things into perspective in a different way.
Alcohol didn’t seem as important, neither did smoking. Something about wanting to live longer.
Having said that, I have never been addicted to anything except maybe Brad Pitt (honest addiction).
But smoking and drinking and drugs, never.
So it is hard for me to relate. I do have lots of friends that have been through it, and continue to struggle through it.
Depression I know something about.
But there is always help, and if you can admit it, then help is the easy part.
Good luck and keep blogging.
K
Kari is right, you don’t need to be ashamed, you should be proud for having the courage to write it. You are not disgusting. I’m glad you didn’t delete your comment.
Now that you’ve put it in that perspective, about drinking when alone, well then, I worry. One of my dearest friends wasn’t a social drinker but was an at-home alcoholic, and eventually it got the best of him.
So yeah, seek whatever it is that will help you get to where you want to be. I know you’ll find it.
Oh, also wanted to add, have you ever read Anne Lamott? I really dig her writing, and I think you might be able to relate to what she has gone through.
Hi Jennifer,
I read your blog about your relationship with your husband. I personally think that whatever works well for the people within any relationship is great, and no two are alike. It sounds like you’re both highly independent people with lofty goals. I have to limit my alcohol intake too, and at one point stopped completely for 8 months. I still drink wine, and in moderation that seems to work for me. Everyone has to figure out what works for them personally, with relationships, goals and all else in life. You are an exceptionally good writer with a great sense of humor; keep blogging!
Mary Ann
Dear Karyn, Thanks for the reply. We are stacking up lots of things we need to yap about around the campfire, don’t you think?
Dear Rene, Thanks for the feedback. I think I try to make myself not sound as bad so that people will tell me it doesn’t sound so bad! I haven’t read Anne Lamont, but just looked her up. Definitely my kind of writer. Can I order it from Amazon? Ha ha.
Dear Mary Ann, Thanks so much! David and I continue to go through different iterations with regard to our living situation. I think this RV thing has got us re-thinking it again. It sounds like you and I do have a few family things in common. I hope you will continue to share your stories with me! This is blogging anonymous… ; )
Thanks,
Jennifer
Hey Jen, sorry I’ve been away and I’m just catching up (hopefully you’ll still get this?). You’re a great Seeker and I’m sure you’ll discover what’s right for you.
God knows I love my wine, rum punches and margaritas, but I can’t party like I used to (old age sucks!). But I can’t eat a good steak without cabernet either. At certain times in my life when I was very sad due to things like divorces I abused alcohol as a binger. Some people will find a way to label just about anyone an alcoholic (no matter what temporary traumas they’re going through) but after self-examination I realized I’m not one (oh yeah sure, then they just say you’re in DENIAL ha!). But I had to consider the possibility at one point and the first key test was: could I stop for a while? You’ve got a couple Red Flags that worry me (and I know they worry you too): you can’t stop when you start (isn’t that the 1st thingy of AA? you have no power over it?), the drinking alone (try to figure out why – is it loneliness?), plus the genetic risk factor is real. Those things aside, when I had good counseling they ask you to stop during the process and even though it’s ANNOYING AS HELL!!! I came to understand why: it forces us to ‘feel our feelings’ without our crutches so we recognize them, make sense of them and process them much more effectively (and quickly). Same is true of pot too, because as much as I like a good joint now and then, it dulls the emotions and faculties that you need to process with. (I’m also thinking you wouldn’t like the paranoia it’s common to feel when smoking pot around anyone other than, say, your hubby, with whom you feel completely accepted and safe.)
Lastly I would say that it doesn’t seem to feel good to you, so try to uncover the feelings you’re having when you most want to drink and see if you can start strategizing on other ways to handle the urges. Sorry if that sounds trite, I don’t mean it to – but that approach helped me to FINALLY quit smoking after many years (that and Chantix/Wellbutrin). Wellbutrin can also be wonderful to help mood mgmt, especially highs/lows. FWIW I always felt the generic wasn’t nearly as effective as the brand for that particular med.
That’s all for now. Bob is sooooo funny!!! Can’t wait to see what RV you get. A while ago I had found a floorplan of a 30ish (32?) ft Class C with 3 slides and a U-shaped sofa that felt soooooo spacious, but can’t remember the brand or find it again, oh well! Chateau has nice floorplans and luxury feel but too short. Take care.