I am mega-dosing on AA meetings. Sometimes I go to two meetings a day.
I sit in the meeting and these other people talk about how they have lost the compulsion to drink. For some of them, that occurred soon after they started going to AA. That is not the case for me.
I am perplexed by the difference between their experiences and my experience.
I have been trying to control my drinking most of my life. I have gone 30 days without drinking a few times over the last year, but I haven’t made more than 60 days in over two years. I have about 53 days right now.
I think I am still trying to quit drinking by my iron will, which is the method that has failed me. I don’t think that is how you are supposed to do it.
I do what they tell me to do. I go to meetings. I read the literature. I shared in a meeting. I call women in AA. I even got a sponsor!
I think the problem is that I try to look like I am Ms. Perfect. (A great contrast with how I share with you on this blog!!) In some strange and pathetic irony, I am terribly insulted with the suggestion that I should call a woman if I am feeling the desire to drink. I feel like rolling my eyes and saying, “Yes, thank you very much. But I am not pathetic like that. I have will power. I think I can handle that myself.”
Oh yeah? Then why am I at an AA meeting?
I don’t know why I can be so honest with you, but try to pretend like I have it all together with them. As if I am fooling anyone! Ha ha! I am a newcomer at an AA meeting and trying to play Ms. Perfect! Yeah, I bet they are really falling for that one!
See you Monday.
***
Countup: 53 days of sobriety
Countdown: 105 days until I move into my RV!?
Auto Mechanics classes start Tuesday!
My house is listed, so pray someone comes to look at it this weekend!
(They have a Web cam in the auto mechanics shop. Should I post the link so you can get a good laugh? Or is that a bad idea for my privacy?)
10 Comments
Everyone is different so try not to measure your experiences against others in the group (who knows, maybe they’re trying to project certain images too).
One of the premises of Buddhism is that EVERY person has a light and dark side. It’s a valuable insight you’re exploring. When we acknowledge and accept the less flattering part of our nature, we realize our humanity.
Consider also, that all judgment is self-judgment. When we are judging others, we are really judging some part of ourselves that we don’t like. As we learn to accept all parts of ourself we become less judgmental of others.
Good luck breaking through the 60-day cycle. You can do it!!!
Hang in there. Thanks for keeping up with your posts. I look forward to hearing all about the auto mechanics course but I vote no on the webcam link.
As far as the AA meetings go…..
The meetings are not going to help you with your addiction if you aren’t being your true self when you are there. Just relax and let it out! All of the people in the meeting are there for the same reason. Sure everyones stories are a tad different because we all live our own unique lives. No matter how severe your situation is there is always help and light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps you are just not comfortable with the group that is attending these AA meetings? Is there another group you can attend? Or maybe you just need to start an AA blog and get everything out that way. You seem to do very well with expressing yourself with writing. In your blog you could exchange telephone numbers, e-mails, and instant message chats with other members. Maybe even have a group via Web cam? I don’t know, just a suggestion. I just think that you are wasting your time at AA if you cannot fully express your true feelings and experiences. “Pretending” to be someone your not is never a good thing to do at any point in life. I hope you find someone or some place to let the “real” Jennifer speak and receive some healing advice. This blog has sort of turned into that for you, which is cool. Hang in there! Even though you may not feel like you are making progress you really are! Are there crafts or hobbies you enjoy doing that could let your mind escape from the drinking urges? Sixty days is just around the corner for you! You can do it!!
Remember to fully detach yourself from your house and already imagine it SOLD. This will send the correct messages and energy to the Universe to align your stars and bring your buyer to you. May sound silly, but try it! And that goes for anything else you really want in life.
Yes! Post the link to the Web cam in the auto mechanics shop. Your group of followers & lurkers will be virtually cheering you on!
I think you made progress just in that last post. Most of us have life figured out, or would like to think we do, on a conscious level. It’s the subconscious that usually wins the battle. Who is in the driver’s seat? The addiction? Admitting that is very brave. We are raised to appear tough and in control, so often find comfort from some false front and become addicted to that which alters our comfort level. Heaven forbid we should admit we are vulnerable. Or not perfect! There is nothing wrong with a treatment program. For some, it is the only answer. I find your honesty very refreshing!
Jennifer…most everyone at the AA meeting knows you’re not perfect, because you are there. Part of the process is becoming transparent to those around you, and tearing down the wall. Secondly, as others have said, you cannot compare your experience with that of others. Some can quit drinking by their iron will, but most cannot. It might be better not to focus on how many days you have been sober…reaching 60 days is not a magic number, and if you put some kind of faith in that number you will be disappointed. Focus on how many days you have left to live well, with a clear mind, and clear vision. We are all pulling for you!
Why do you think so much about your image at AA but then consider putting up the webcam at the wrench-bench? Take the course, learn, have a bit of fun without having to worry about us looking over your shoulder.Cause, trust me, you tell us there is a webcam, and we will peek!
one day at a time – it’s not a cliche it’s that simple!
if you can last a day you can quit for good (if you realy want it), all it takes is a perception adjustment. stop counting, stop placing importance on how many days you have sober, stop thinking there is this fictitious and achievable accomplishment out there that some aa’s like to wear as a badge of honor.
live one day, and the next for the rest of your life. you’d be surprised on just how peaceful that can be
? days sober and not counting!
Early on in AA, I wanted to look like I had it all together. I was struggling to hold it all in and look good. It was a real “white knuckle” sobriety.
One night the meeting topic was “surrender”. I never thought before about the idea of just admitting “I can’t drink, I give up, it is over”.
With that in mind, I just carried the image of myself waving the white flag and saying “my life as a drinker is over. My real life is what is waiting for me today”.
Just try living in today. It gets easier the further away you are from your last drink.
You can do this…a day at a time.
Sending my love, as one AA member to another. Let those who comment lovingly hold you up when you feel you just can’t do it alone.
Linda
Read the last paragragh on page 84 & the first paragraph of page 85 of the big book. Dave
Thank you all for the feedback.
It is very helpful!
Jennifer