I’m breaking my promise not to publish another “All by Myself” meltdown. But, sticking to the themes of It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to, as well as my desire to create a faithful record of the journey I am actually taking (and not a fictionalized one that makes me sound stronger and more fearless), I’ve decided to include this update.
Even though I had read the road warnings before, after a long drive I started really freaking out while reading about all the precarious road conditions through the Rockies and, of course, on the Dempster.
Instead of trying to rewrite a more detailed account of what happened, I figured I’d just post the short excerpt from my personal journal entry. (If profanity offends you, you should skip it.)
***
Lake Louise Campground
10:40 pm
Sometimes, like right now, I wonder what the f*ck I am doing out here. In a strange campground 2000 miles from home. Missing David. And driving in the wrong f*cking direction. 2500 miles to go.
I don’t even f*cking know where I am. I think I am in Alberta, but I might be in British Columbia.
I am so f*cking lonely! I miss David! Okay! I got the memo! I need people!
I want to do this. But why? To prove that I can? Do what? Something scary? Maybe that is part of it? To prove that I am tough and fearless? But, no, I am crying and fearful. I am not tough and fearless. I am acting like I am. I am trying to make people think that I am.
I am scared and I am lonely. Who drives to the Arctic alone!? Why would someone do that? To prove what?!
***
Not getting any comfort out of my journaling exercise, I flip to the back of the book, A Journey of One’s Own: Uncommon Advice for the Independent Woman Traveler.
Hoping to find an index entry on loneliness, the book instead opens up to a closing note by the author, Thalia Zepatos:
.
It felt fated that I’d opened to that page. I felt like the author was talking directly to me. Being told (once again) that feeling afraid is a part of my journey and not an indication that I am not suited for it is an important reminder.
I’ve been trying very hard to avoid the worn out cliché of “Feel the fear, but do it anyway”, but I think what I am trying to learn goes something like that…
***
p.s. The trip through the Icefields Parkway reminded me exactly why I am doing this!
17 Comments
This trip wouldn’t be nearly as rewarding if you didn’t have at least one meltdown every now and again. You’re learning so much about who you are and pushing yourself to learn more that it’s not only awesome, it’s inspiring.
Those pictures looks amazing, I can only imagine what it looks like in person. Maybe someday I’ll fine the courage to be like my friend Jennifer and journey there to see it for myself.
PS. I was totally offended by your profanity.
It sure is a good thing you have that book! I am sending you positive energy as you continue on this pilgrimage. Feel safe and take care.
Go ahead, pinch yourself, you are human. You are doing something a) out of the ordinary and b) by yourself. Even having dinner in a crowded restaurant by one’s self is sometimes a scary thing. But like any hurdle, you learn, you grown and you realize that you are tougher than you thought you were.
you are about a 5 hour drive from my front doorstep.
Missing David? he’s your husband, of COURSE you miss him! Again, that’s human.
Lake Louise is in Alberta.
Keep coming east and you can stay for dinner !
You are welcome anytime to my house.
I cook good take out pizza.
take care, drive slow and remember, it’s your journey, whatever happens let it happen. your story. no rules there.
Cheers!
I hate to tell you, but you haven’t even got to the Lonesome Country yet. I found the passage to be a pretty good place to get over myself. It didn’t last.
From Jasper you will probably head northwest to Prince George, where you will have to decide whether you are going north on 97, which is the paved route, or west to the Cassiar, which is not. Both end up at Watson Lake, more or less.
If you go North, be sure to stop at Muncho Lake. It’s lovely in the fall, and probably equally so right now, though the water may be up from the Melt. Here’s a picture of my campsite along in there:
http://www.arcatapet.net/bobgiddings/North_to_Alaska/images/p9070012.jpg
A little north of there is Liard Hot Springs. It’s right along the north side of the road, but you can pass it by if you are not paying attention, and that would be a mistake. Nothing takes the travel knots out like a good soak. It’s wonderful. There’s a campground, but I don’t remember any electricity. Probably because I don’t use it much.
The Cassiar has it’s own charms. There’s a nice tribal museum at Kitwanga, and a docent attended rebuilt fur trading center on the way there, at Fort St. James, on Stuart Lake.
http://www.arcatapet.net/bobgiddings/North_to_Alaska/07jun05.cfm
You can also take a quick side trip to the most southerly part of Alaska available by road, at Hyder. There’s a glacier there, and an elaborate built up high wooden walk, from which you can watch bears fishing in season. They weren’t there in June when I blew through. Jade City is interesting, if you like the green gems, but it’s mostly just a tourist trap for people bored with going 40 mph for days on end due to what the frost heaves have done to the gravel road. The Cassiar is not for people in a hurry, or at least not in 2005.
And of course there’s one beautiful unpronounceable lake after another, with lovely campgrounds mostly deserted because of the ravenous clouds of mosquitoes that blacken the sky this time of year.
It’s all good. Once you get past Watson Lake, don’t miss Skagway.
Bob
Jennifer, I’ve been following you journey since you began posting and have admired your strength and your willingness to share. I hope this journey is a succes for you.
We just got back from an 8000 mile loop trip from Seattle to Inuvik (at the end of the Dempster) Denali, Kenai and all points in between. Don’t wory about the roads, those Canadians know how to build gravel roads. We drove 55 to 60 MPH the whole way up and back on the Dempster, with only one flat. We did meet one fellow who had 4 flats on the same trip, but he was driving on 4 ply. If you have good tires you’ll be fine. The worst spots we ran into where on the Alaskan Highway, between Tok and Whitehorse, which was paved but had frost heaves. The stories are overblown.
If your lonely, and I’m not surprised you are, camp at some RV parks, and sit outside at your picnic table you’ll meet folks. They may not be your best friends but they will share an hour with you and maybe give you some tips as well. Another idea is to check out this blog
http://celebrating20.blogspot.com/
Diana has a list of blogs of people who are currently on the road to and in Alaska, reach out to them, and meet up,.
Best to you
Hey Jennifer,
I’m about 6 hours or so west of you near a beautiful town in the mountains called Nelson. If you’re coming this way let me know and you can park in my meadow. I’d love to show you around here (it’s beautiful). Love your blog and have been following for awhile now…
take care
I too have had times where it has felt almost as if I was being compelled to just press on.
I had stumbled on this quote by chance from a quick glance of what looked to be an oversized fortune from a Chinese cookie taped on a fellow colleague’s monitor, he had printed it out and now I do as well
“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race” -Calvin Coolidge
Hang in there girl, ya just have’n one of those bad days. It has something to do with the sun, moon and stars but I never could understand any of that myself. Most times the next morning everything seems right in the world or at least heading on in the direction to that. I have a personal road story I could share, where one moment I was high and enjoying the day and then in a matter of a moment what I witnessed turned my day all south from there, but I don’t want to bum you out. Just know you’ll have days like these. Press on.
Another book that would inspire you is Tales of a Female Nomad by Rita Golden Gelman. She’s now 72 years old, and still traveling the world by herself with no particular destination – something she decided to do in 1986 at the age of 48. Here’s how she introduces herself on her website (www.ritagoldengelman.com):
I am a modern-day nomad. I have no permanent address, no possessions except the ones I carry, and I rarely know where I’ll be six months from now. I move through the world without a plan, guided by instinct, connecting through trust, and constantly watching for serendipitous opportunities.
People are my passion. Unlike a traditional nomad, when I go somewhere, I settle in with the locals long enough to share the minutes of their days, to know the seasons of their lives, and to be trusted with their secrets. I have lived with people in thatched huts, slept in their gilded palaces, and worshipped with them at godly ceremonies and dens of black magic. I have also cooked with women on fires all over the world.
I’ve been living and loving my nomadic existence since the day in 1986 when, at the age of forty eight, on the verge of a divorce, I looked around and thought, There has to be more than one way to do life. There is…
BTW, for those who have already read Tales of a Female Nomad and liked it, Rita Golden Gelman just published a second adult book (she writes children’s books by trade) called Female Nomad and Friends: Tales of Breaking Free and Breaking Bread Around the World.
Lake Louise! I laid down flat on my back when the lake was frozen over…oh about 10 years ago! I was such a chicken walking on that ice and I rationalized laying flat on my back has the least chance of the ice breaking and me falling through. LOL! Banff is beautiful – in the winter. I am to go back in the warmer months!!
It’s all good – let out that cry and things will shift. All of the exilerating highs have to come with some lows. Without that, what’s the point of feelings, eh?
Hearing a lot of ‘eh’ yet? My college roommate was Canadian and she said ‘eh’ so much that I started to say ‘eh’.
Get out from behind the wheel and take another hike – that’ll help.
Kari
It will be o.k. you are in my thoughts almost every day. Thank you for sharing it all! We will both make it and will have some special stories to share. Don’t forget to track down Miranda and her driver while you are in Dawson. Talking about ‘been there, done that’ she’s your woman! Remember to be gentle with yourself, there is time.
(Katie–LOL)
I feel like that too, sometimes, and I just push through it for those little moments, like you had on the Ice Fields, that remind you of just why it was I chose such a difficult and unconventional lifestyle.
We’re going to have a lot to talk about.
You need to listen to my anthem if you have a chance; Terri Clark’s ‘No Fear’: http://travelswithmiranda.uskeba.ca/?p=5160
The first bit goes like this:
I want a road stretching out before me
I want a radio in my ear
I want a full tank of absolution
No fear
I want a rainstorm to pull me over
Then a sky that begins to clear
Towards the truest of destinations
No fear
I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I’d find
No fear
Meltdowns when alone are ok. It’s when the walls in the RV start melting that, and I’m going out on a limb here in saying, you’ve probably got a more serious problem on your hands. Whenever that happens my first thought is usually … did i have mushrooms with dinner?
Steve
I can’t explain it, and I am not really sure why, but when I read that “final word” entry I immediately got a huge lump in my throat and had to really choke back my own tears. I guess I need to do some looking into that after such an abrupt and very physical reaction to those words. Thank you.
That is one of my favorite books. In fact, I copied that very quote in my journal years ago after I got the book.
If I knew any woman who is interested in venturing out but is fearful, I would recommend just that book.
Oh, I don’t know. I’m afraid of all kinds of things. Only a stone fool is not. There really *are* things (and, unfortunately, people) out there bad enough to deserve a freak-out.
Yet, I relate. Like [i]really[/i] relate.
I still do things I’m afraid of because I’m afraid of them. Not because I must, but… well, it’s either courage or obstinacy.
I vote for B.
But driving to the Arctic Circle? Nah. [i]Bicycling[/i] to the Arctic Circle? Yeah, that’d be likely to cause enough of a meltdown to open the Northwest Passage and drown all the polar bears.
That wooden fence of fear can be a bugger. It’ll enclose you if you don’t push at its rails. Trust me on this.
Hi,
I love you! Ok, lol, tell your husband to put down the shotgun. He is a lucky lucky man, and you are a very strong, and attractive woman. I admire you and your strength and your courage to face your own demons and come out of the other side. I must admit, I am not as strong as you are. And that makes me feel almost ashamed. Also, I NEVERRRRRR right a comment or anything online, a bit paranoid, but I felt compelled to, for you to gain some temporary strenght and to give you much deserved praise and recognition.
About me in a nutshell, late 40’s, martial arts for over 20 years, I have ADHD which is why I have failed most of my life. I WOULD NOT have the courage to do what you have done, and alone. Remarkable really. Also, I was a Psychology undergrad and I understand much of what you are facing. Let me say, facing yourself and doing it over and over again, and coming out of a suicidal place where you are, says more about you than you realize.
All in all I wish you everything but the best, to you and your husband, who MUST BE PROUD OF YOU beyond words. Keep STRONG!!! Unfortunately I will probably not pass by this way again, although I really could use your inspiration. Just know that I am pulling for you, as well as every single person who’s put a positive comment on here.
Ben