I rented a short term (6 month) condo for David and me. It is a comfortable place that we can share. I love that I don’t have much stuff, as I am especially aware of it in this space.
When I moved into my Mini, I still had about a half of a single garage’s worth of storage that I’d not sorted through. I had those things moved here in hopes finishing my purging.
This week I, unexpectedly, found a trash bag full of my old stripper stuff. I guess I’ve dragged that trash bag from place to place, but finally got the guts to open it up. Seeing and touching those things made me physically ill. They feel like confusing artifacts from an unreal dream. The memories of ME being THAT feel so far away that they truly seem impossible.
As I think about moving toward this plan for trying to be helpful (how exactly? I don’t really know) to women who are stuck in the position I was in, I realize I probably will want to make sure I’ve really processed my own story of stripping. I think part of my failure in trying to help women before was because I was overwhelmed by their stories. I don’t feel like my stuff is too huge to deal with, but it is stuff that I pushed aside pretty radically once I had the luxury of getting away from it.
So, like the trash bag of stripper gear, unexpected memories and feelings about that time are showing up. I tried to write about them this week, but my writing comes out very juvenile, defensive, angry, knee-jerk, immature etc. I think it is not just that the memories are difficult, but that my having to experience myself as that chaotic and confused girl makes the experience of remembering it even more sickening.
I prefer to sound like a woman who is finding some sanity! I think that I am. In fact, I think the fact that I feel so much more centered is what is allowing this stuff to come up. It doesn’t frighten me, too much. It just makes me feel kind of sick.
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p.s. I haven’t sent out the RV Web site link yet. I need to finish it first!
19 Comments
You’ve come a long way. I know I feel sick about things I did in my former youth, things I certainly don’t want to talk about, much less confess to the world. What a strong, honest person you are. You are a really good person for wanting to help others get out of the position you were once in. We all have had struggles and it’s how we handle and overecome them that make us who we become (hopefully for the better). Maybe a little bonfire is in order for your bag of regrets. You’re doing great!
I believe there are few who can (honestly) look back on their lives without regrets and even disbelief. Because you want to help others who are in a similar place you were shows an incredible inner strength.
Good luck to you. And happy days settling into your condo.
Very few of us are proud of the mistakes and missteps of our youth. Confronting them and recognizing that inexperience and often fear drove the decision-making process doesn’t make it any easier. Then again, for most it was a learning experience. That you came away from it with most of your self intact speaks volumes about you and your resilience.
Despite the genuinely worthwhile desire to assist others still caught in the consequences of their decisions, it may behoove you to look at other, less traumatic ways of helping the young women still working in the business. And remember, no one is more obnoxious in the eyes of the average joe and jane than a reformed anything, be it a smoker, drinker, or stripper. Tread softly, and may the chinks in your mental armor all be small and easily plugged.
Jen, looking back on that part of your life that now makes you feel ill, at the time, what was your opinion about how you were living and what you were doing? Do you think a lot of girls will be open to getting help and changing their lives? I sure hope so, but it might be difficult making them realize how much better their lives could be if they made changes. I don’t know anything about the stripping industry, I just know that people, in general, can be stubborn and scared when it comes to change, even when it’s for the better.
Might I also suggest another exercise? This one I learned from Roz Savage, the ocean rower. She’s an amazingly inspiring woman. Here’s what she did. Write two versions of your own obituary. One the way it will read if you continued doing what you are today, and the other the way you WANT to be remembered in an ideal world if you accomplish everything you dream of. It’s amazing how this simple exercise can help point you in the right direction. I do this once in a while just to make sure I’m still heading in the right direction. Although, you seem to have a pretty good handle on that at this point.
I’m always amazed at how courageous you are when it comes to talking about your life and your past. Very few bloggers will write about personally sensitive topics. Thanks for sharing those things so openly.
DM
Thank you for the comments.
One important clarification – I don’t know exactly HOW I might be helpful, but please know that I am definitely NOT on a (self-righteous) ‘let me save you’ campaign. Ugh. I know that self righteous woman well! I met her quite a few times myself. ; ) You’ve hit some of my knee-jerk, angry stuff.
If there is one thing I do know, it is that I am not the wise one who knows what other people need to do!
I’ll write about this more, I’m sure, but, more specifically, I imagine maybe providing some kind of service to women who are aging out of the work but haven’t really planned for that imminent reality. (Someone who was like me.) It can be a scary time, because you can’t get a job (your resume is blank), you don’t have any other experience, etc. There are just a lot of PRACTICAL issues that are tough when you’ve decided you have to quit. (For me – no job reference, bad credit, couldn’t get a student loan, etc) I had someone help me, so I’d like to provide that same kind of ‘transitioning out’ support for women who want it.
I DON’T hold a puritanical view on adult entertainment. (I think that view is part of what makes it so difficult for women.) I just want to provide practical help to women who are ready to quit, but don’t have a support network (family/spouse) to help them.
Jennifer
I’ll part from the norm and tell you that everyone…EVERYONE has things in their past that they may not necessarily like or enjoy. Some they certainly don’t want to share. However, I do firmly believe that every choice, ever decision, every path, no matter how poor it was, has brought you to this very moment you are sitting at right now. You wouldn’t be the person you are today without those choices, experiences and pieces of your life. Had you not been through all of those moments in life, you may not have any desire to help people in the capacity you are now thinking. People who make it through life making all the right and proper choices are leading dull, lifeless lives right this moment. In our household, we call those poor choices and moments “the spice of life” because that is what they are.
We have helped two ‘dancers’ get out of the life and we are pretty happy about that. We can’t have children, but we can help strippers out! Haha. But, both of them wanted to get out. Both of them lived with us for a short amount of time (for a small amount of rent, which we returned to them as a “get back on your feet” gift when they left) and both of them have made it out, moved away and started families.
Don’t look down on what has made you, you. Theoretically, you would not be who you are today. I know none of us that read your blog actually KNOW who you are, but I get the feeling that you are actually a pretty cool woman and will continue to brighten the world with your life even years from now.
The old saying, that hind sight is 20-20 is so true, especially for me. Most/all of the “bad” decisions I have made during my life, personal, financial, etc, were made with the knowledge I had at that time. Now looking back on those decisions, with the knowledge I have after the fact, I can see where I took the wrong fork in the road, so to speak. None of us get into a personal relationship with another person, thinking this is going to be a terrible mistake. We all put our rose colored glasses on, and surge forward.
It is too easy to beat ourselves up for the past, but we can’t do anything with the past but learn from it, which obviously, Jennifer, you have done so. I dropped you a note on the RV site as well.
Even though it hurts when you look back at things it does show how far you have come. That goes for everybody.
Dave
There are some things I did in my past that I am so ashamed of. I know I hurt others, but was never confronted.
I’m an old lady now. No one knows but me. And possibly the person I hurt.
Seems to me the only person hurt by stripping was yourself. Put it behind you, you can’t change the past.
Having worked in law enforcement for a number of years, I have to say, that stripping is a long ways up from the bottom of the barrel of adult(?) entertainment. I get the feeling, that some strippers, start believing the general public perception of them. That they are bad, naughty, depraved, evil, etc. etc. women when in reality, stripping is a job, it isn’t the person doing it. Anymore, than the year I worked for a septic tank cleaning company, makes me a shovel of poop. Or I hope it doesn’t. LOL A friend of my oldest daughter, now 33, worked as a stripper in Okie City, near Tinker AF Base for a couple of years. Then she joined the Army. Several times, I have heard her claim, that there were time in the Army, that she wished she was back working the brass pole. But the Army did teach her some, more traditional, skills, computer type, that got her a good job upon getting out.
Humility along with the courage it takes for you to share your experience, strength, and hope has touched my heart.
Hi, My name is Victoria – I’m an alcoholic and drug addict. Next month I will celebrate five years of soberity, yet just for today I won’t drink or use. I too come with a past of incomprehensible demoralization. The Hall of Shame was part of my past accomplishments, but now I work hard every day to clean up the wreckage of my past and help someone else.
I am now living my dream, my boyfriend (23 yrs clean & sober) and I are in the process of becoming full-timers, selling “everything” so we can buy a 5th wheel and travel while we work or is that work while we travel!
I have not yet created my blog, but thanks to Al’s blog “The Bayfield Bunch” I now know where to go for the twelve step program of bloggers anonymous!
Peace
Jennifer, in reply to your #5 above, as a financial aid professional, I want to say that for a student attending at least half time, aid should be available. If you quit a job to go back to school, my school will re-evaluate your eligibility based on projected rather than base-year income, so even Pell grants are possible. There are also aid programs for older students, students with children, etc.
My other thought is that I don’t read much about shared housing for women trying to rebuild their lives. Credit/references would be a hurdle but why aren’t there more sponsored homes that rent to women trying to re-enter the mainstream? A little money would go a long way here. I found one in my city by accident. They provide rooms (in a mansion, no less) to women who either attend school or work. All have graduated from their programs with at least a 3-point.
…on the writing bit, i too have found it therapeutic to write out my feelings about stuff that bothers me. admittedly the first time it comes out it’s definitely unreformed. but here’s another helpful part about that; go back every so often, re-read what you have written and make edits to it. for me, paragraphs that once were obviously full of derogatory, raw feelings eventually take on a more controlled and focused perspective – give it a shot
Oddly enough, I have always admired women who have confidence and can put inhibitions aside. I was married at a very young age, but I can recall thinking about it as a teenager and as I became aware of the adult world. I always thought of it as an art form. I have always loved dancing, and a big turn on for me was dancing naked with my husband–not so different than stripping–just a safer environment.
I think all of us have a bag we carry around from place to place. The difference is you are opening yours and looking at what is inside then deciding to keep what is there or thow away and try on something new.
If there is a victim’s services or anything for battered women, they help with housing, finding it and helping to pay for it. Contact anyone in a Women’s Studies dept, best approach the head of the dept. They usually well-informed about housing or know who does know.
I cried over math and can help tutor you by phone if you like. I am a teacher.
Write, If you edit later, save the early writings. They can help you assess your progress, your voice, you triumphs and pain. Do not get rid of anything, as you may have a book about your journey. Being able to see the immature or what you consider childish may help you gauge how far you have come. Keep all you write, good or bad.
Good luck in all you do. All of us are ashamed of something in our past.
Jennifer,
Kudos to you for bring willing to process a difficult subject even partially in public. For years I have done intimate private portraits for women and men. Most of the work was more about light and shadows and elegance than graphic exposure but that’s beside the point.
When I first shifted my work from landscapes to Humanscapes I had no idea the sort of person I would attract and frankly found that average non-stripper women sought me out far more often than did former strippers and I found them wanting far more provocative images and poses.
Some of the nicest, young women I have ever met in my 62 years on earth have been ladies who put themselves through college and grad school stripping, single moms who needed to support their family: women of exceptional thought and intelligence.
I have long had an anti-drugs / anti-alcohol policy in the studio. Never did I have to eject a former stripper — while I ejected plenty of other people. I get really upset when people assume that stripping is universally “self-destructive” and that strippers are necessarily addicts or abusers. Self-destruction is rampant in the U.S. Addiction and abuse are rampant in the U.S. — that kind of judgment by self-satisfied bigots is so unfair.
That said I spent many an hour after a shoot sitting and talking with former strippers as they told stories of time in the business. Any activity we engage in has an impact on us. And the longer we engage in it, the more that activity changes us.
I applaud you for being willing to let your voice be heard. Good on you.
Cheers,
Shutterhappy.
Being a good looking “Hot” stripper is nothing to be ashamed of…and there lots of people with “respectable jobs” that have more to be ashamed of than a stripper.
Hold your head up, nobody can make you feel bad, ashamed, or a lesser person…unless YOU let them!
Live happy!
I think other strippers who want out need to read or hear about other women who made it out, the sharing of your story will go a long way in making them believe they can do it too.
A hand written book, not typed, would make it real and believable as well. I would print a book and make copies to hand out to any woman willing to accept it.